You took your own life, you selfish bastard, and you took 20G of my tunes with you. So, iWanted to let you know that iHate you. No, iLoathe you. Rest in pieces, asshole. My only consolation is that you were Catholic, meaning that since you took your own life, instead of being reconditioned the only thing you have to look forward to is the damnation of waiting hundreds of years until WALL-E picks up your guts and shits you out in a brick. iWish iCould be around to see it.
The BBC reports that cute, fluffy little bunnies are no longer just warming the hearts of Swedes, but now their homes, as well!
Residents in Stockholm are divided over reports that rabbits are being used to make biofuel. The bodies of thousands of rabbits are fuelling a heating plant in central Sweden, local newspapers say. ..."They are a very big problem," he said.
"Once culled, the rabbits are frozen and when we have enough, a contractor comes and takes them away." The frozen rabbits are then taken to a heating plant in Karlskoga which incinerates them to heat homes..raw animal material is crushed, ground and then pumped to a boiler where it is burned together with wood chips, peat or waste to produce renewable heat.
We at BFK are offended by these cold-hearted Swedes. "Why not burn elk?", we would ask. Elk are bigger and would produce a lot more heat. Oh ...wait ..damn... Elk are the national animal of Sweden. Elk are clearly more equal than other animals (e.g., bunnies) in Sweden.. so we surely wouldn't want to offend the elk and their cold-hearted protectors.
Even on a superficial level, do elk deserve this privileged status? Let us share this clip with you about what nasty pieces of work are elk:
BFK has it from a mysterious Swedish source, who only asked to be identified as "Elke Elkinson," that the elk in Sweden are actually the muscle behind that country's large underground network of puppy mills. A large part of the profit from the sale of abused puppies goes straight to Sweden's corrupt political underbelly as protection money for the elk.
Sure, if you look it up online, Sweden appears to have no puppy mills. As we know all-too-sadly, a large percentage of those puppies die before sale or after whelping their millionth litter. Thus if Sweden had puppy mills, there would have to be some evidence, but there appears to be none! Or...is there? Swedish meatballs, anyone? Have you ever asked a Swede what exactly is in those meatballs? Not only are the Swedes letting the elk dictate the mass slaughter of fuzzy, cute, puppies and bunnies, but they are shipping that "food" over here, corrupting the purity of our natural bodily fluids.
Crazy, you ask? No, our friends, not crazy. Look, did you know that Sweden is a "cruel Maoist state"? We think you should have a look at the evidence over at http://swedenamaoiststate.blogspot.com. If that doesn't get you walking towards the truth, we don't know what will.
We at BFK are proposing June 6th (Sweden's National Day) as "International Burn the Elk Day". We need to stick it to these cruel Swedes to show them we mean business. It's the puppies/bunnies or the elk.
OK, so today's post is a poll / survey, and NOT a how-to column!! This is merely an intellectual exercise in combining art and fate.
Question: If you knew you were going to do yourself in, what would be the soundtrack to your demise? Send in your top-three, in order (1=first choice, 2=second choice, etc).
BFK will go first:
1. "Please Mr. Postman" from The Beatles' Second Album, The Beatles 2. "Vera Lynn" from The Wall, Pink Floyd 3. "The Sounds of Silence", 45 r.p.m. single, Simon and Garfunkel
Craven narcissists like Senators Olympia Snowe and Ben Nelson are able to hold the public option hostage like it's some easy-mark cheap-dime street girl they saw rummaging through the top-end trash at Starbucks for cookie leftovers when no one was looking. It's probably even chained to a radiator in one of their D.C. townhouses. Sources in our head tell us the chain is coated with velour, of course.
As some of you know, I am away on assignment through December (at least ;-)); stripping off the layers of barnacles having grown on me from living in shit-town for the last four years.
Yesterday, a small quest was completed, as I finally found a store carrying TASTYKAKE! It wasn't a complete display, but it did have Tastykake's form of choco-crack known as "chocolate cupcakes". These are the richest, most dense, best frosted cupcakes available. They were addicting when I was a kid and they are every bit as good now.
Oh, there are competitors, but they are black holes next to the beatific light of Tastykake. Hostess? Grossest. Drakes? Fakes. Little Debbie? What the fuck does she know about anything, that saccharine little sot.
If you've never been in "the presence", do yourself a favor...mmmmmmmm.
Tennessee continues its bid to be officially named the worst place on earth. Today, news sources report that at the TN statehouse in Nashville:
For nearly two hours, lawmakers discussed and heard testimony on a bill allowing people with handgun-carry permits to keep their guns in their vehicles on the parking lots of their workplaces -- regardless of their employer's policy on the issue.
It makes complete sense that in a state with unemployment at 10.8% and rising, that crazy debate over crazier gun laws would be the priority. You'd think the Volunteer State would have gotten the crazy out if its system this past spring when it legalized guns in public parks, restaurants, and bars.
In other news, BFK reporters on hand at the statehouse learned from anonymous GOP sources that a deal was near with Democrats to allow state funds for stem-cell research. The possible deal is based on the provision that half of such funding go toward research aimed at using stem cells to allow people to grow gunracks on the back of their heads.
In the 1960s, John Lennon blasphemed that The Beatles were "bigger than Jesus". Comparing a rock band with our redeemer is sin of the worst sort, but are the Beatles bigger than Snoopy?
Tidings of comfort and joy, Moe Pigeon Cutlet, Arkansas
Dear Moe,
I am thanking you for the words ending in ? that you ask me. Grumpus can be answering your question, yes. Quite.
Google Trends is making graph below of search volumes. I type in "Beatles" and "Snoopy" and Google makes it so. Graph telling Grumpus that indeed, Beatles being bigger than Snoopy -- every day. However, Grumpus doing sublevel analysis and seeing that there is ONE place in world where Snoopy being bigger than Beatles. That'm place being Guatemala. Grumpus would be reminding Moe that in 1980s, Amnesty International calling Guatemala "...peerless cesspool of human rights abuse". That being gooding reason forced people liking Snoopy more than Beatles.
Also, Moe -- Grumpus pointing out that biggest of beagle height being 1' 4", and average height of Beatle being 5' 11" (not counting star of Ringo). Thus, Beatles being bigger than Snoopy.
Moe -- by same Grumpus process of logicating, Beatles also likely bigger than Jesus, as in his'm time men being average on 5' 1".
So...Snoopy bigger than Beatles? That'm ridickling.
Economy got you down? Underemployed? Unemployed? Well, here's a motivational video to encourage you to get creative! Don't take just any job that's beneath you! Think about it. Sniff it. Consider it. Then -- down the hatch. Swallow your towering pride and reach for something different....as did this former gynecologist from Cuba who became a used car salesman.
BFK news received the following photograph from an unnamed source at police headquarters. The photo is from a stash of personal items belonging to Snoopy found in a South Street alley. The container appeared to have once been a box of condoms, and was covered in illegible scribblings.
Close scrutiny of the photograph reveals possible clues to the mysterious disappearance of Charlie Brown in 2006. Previously, no association between Snoopy and Mr. Brown's disappearance had been suggested. Mr. Brown and Snoopy had fallen out after the 2000 death of their creator, Charles M. Schulz, allegedly over royalties from the "Peanuts 50th Anniversary" cash windfall that year.
BFK news has learned that a coroner's report lists Snoopy's official cause of death as drowning. Medical tests also revealed an advanced case of syphilis which, police speculate, led indirectly to his death. Detectives surmise that Snoopy's syphilis had degraded his vision to the point where he, intoxicated to soften the blow of late-life failure, just walked into the river and drowned.
Dead-celebrity reaction to Snoopy's death was swift and mostly condemning. "Embarrassing" barked Farley from For Better or Worse. "Bush league" added Otis Redding. However, said singer Jeff Buckley of the news, "It can happen".
Philadelphia, PA (BFK News): Philadelphia Police indicate that early this morning the body of a white beagle, reportedly Snoopy of Peanuts cartoon fame, was found floating face down in the Delaware River in the area of Penn Treaty Park. The beagle had been dead for some time and, in a statement, a police spokesperson said that it remains for an autopsy to determine whether the beagle was dead before it entered the river. Police ducked questions from BFK reporters about whether this was a suicide attempt or whether foul play was involved.
It had been widely known that since the death of Peanuts creator Charles M. Schulz in 2000, Snoopy had experienced a litany of legal troubles, mostly related to the resurgence of a longstanding substance abuse problem. Since losing work upon Schulz's death, Snoopy had shown up regularly in early-morning paparazzi photos, leaving the houses of good-timing celebrities such as Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, Woody Allen, and Prince William. Often, Snoopy carried a 20-gallon black plastic garbage bag full of unknown objects of various shapes and sizes.
In recent years, Snoopy dropped from sight, making the news only for an arrest on charges of making and distributing methamphetamine from a dog trailer near Seneca, Missouri. Because of police mistakes relating to the arrest taking place on sovereign Wyandotte Nation territory, charges were dropped on technicalities. The once-svelte supper-party Svengali appeared overweight and haggard in police photos.
His career in shambles and most of his royalties shot up his veins and sniffed up his formidable nose, Snoopy turned to offering live-cam services on the internet. Far from sexy, his customers consisted mostly of frat boys who would taunt him, making Snoopy cry uncontrollably as he danced for their money.
Despite obvious reasons for suicide, Snoopy had several enemies, who are now being contacted by police for interviews. These known enemies include the cat next door, Marmaduke, Garfield, and Rat from Pearls Before Swine.
I am writing to me from the future. Yes. The future is a place full of many strange times. Dark times. These times are being after the times that are now. Sometimes, not in future, I am thinking that I am in back of me. These thoughts coming from electricity inside the hole inside my head. I am every day eating food, delicious food, to recharge batteries for to make electricity to power electric head motor. Sometimes, I am trying taking food of creature that is cat, and it says 'no'.
In future, every city having very tall, scary tower. In present, these towers are holding water and grain. In future, these towers holding idiots. Sometimes, these idiots being from past. Sometimes, them being from Canada. These idiots being smushed against me, singing Pina Colada song and saying "You being so cute but stupid. I'm looking for trash candy and your dimples make it so."
Sometimes when packed in idiot tower hell, I having chance to go to tippy top in magic shoebox. Most times, sharing magic shoebox ride with idiots saying "Am rocking to top NOW....am rocking it out NOW..." and forced being stupid. I having been on Ferris wheel many times of many, and knowing what is rocking at top. These tower idiot not rocking.
Let out of shoebox trap, idiot then many times saying "Me not liking it here and wanting to go down." Inside my head, voice that listens to my thoughts to make sounds is thinking this idiot has gone down on the tower many times before...
More posts on scary monster that is future coming in future.
Dear iPod,
